Amor Es Esperanza #1

“Rome doesn’t feels like home without you. I wanna run back to Chez Ribe.”

Versailles-Paris, 2nd April 2017

chestnut groves blossom, city parks burst into flower..
plane trees sprout foliage over boulevards, and cafe terraces buzz with new-found energy as Parisians head outdoors to enjoy spring’s soft warm days.

..spring’s soft warm days..

oh come on. spring ? warm days ?

without you ? just like long winter to me.

huummppff…

a dove that from 15 minute ago busy with some crumbs on my book sureprised and fly away cz my strong exhale.

my eyes just watch out where it goes. it stop in the top of broken old street lamp, and landing on the lunch basket of old lovers.

heheheu i just laughing for that..

i mean,, not that lovers,,

its just something i dont know also but well’ah… i just love the way I’m laughing on something without knowing the reason why.

i licked leftover crumbs of that cheesecake from my lower lips, and touch again my phone screen.

you message still there :

“Rome doesn’t feel like home without you. I want to run back to Chez Ribe.”

i let that message numb for 1 hour.

i didnt do anything anyway to keep me busy or havent even 10’s to reply.

I just…..

wanna know.

are u gonna send me another messages to complain or another messages to admit that u really miss me..

or maybe some calls, or misscalls.. like u know how am really happy to found ur name in my notifications or ur calls just pop up in my screen.

i hope u never know that i always collect that and screenshoot that with devils mode on, in my mind ✌🏻😈 she miss me she miss me yeah oh shoots.. notifications again from you, and thats an image..

i should open that :

sweet words written on used wet tissue that already dried..<br<br
e a baby.. like u.

i kiss my screen to search ur smells, i only found my Pour Homme there..

we keep talking about how fast the word “Miss” can multipy and turn into huge wave of Tsunamiss. or somewhere for me to hide cz now i really think wherever i go u haunt me.

U said, “Just hide inside my heart… And don’t try to get out”

well i know u..

even i’m hiding in the treasure box of Jack Sparrow, u will find me out so.

then u will dancing gracefully cz maybe i’m the only one who failed to hiding in that big pirates ship,, well its actually two.. if u counting that pitty octopus too.

**********************************

Avenue De La Chapelle3rd April 201706:00 Am its too early for u to wake up, i knew it.

I want to ring u up, and yes i did.

achso as always and never be never, it always end up in any misscalled only, on ur phone.<br<br
ss ur first messages in the morning will be like :

1. I’m sorry baby am just woke up 😘
2. 😱 i’m sorry baby my battery went out
3. I’m sorry baby my phone was in silent 😰
4. I’m sorry baby i was fainting 😵
5. I’m sorry baby Santa Clause was kidnap me and i didnt have chances to bring my phone, but now he gimme back home already 😋

alright, number 4 & 5 was never exist, but 1-3 is the classic script that you always try to dealing my morning attemp, unfortunately – you always successfully – prevent – my anger.

Goddamm what kind of i am, but i really more enjoying our time together.

lemme spell it :

to-gather

no

to-get-her

yes to get her 🤔

08:35 Am – Your Message Cum

“I’m sorry baby my battery went out. Good morning 😘”

finally !! script number 2 still favorite😑

after calling your phone awhile, i know your schedule already..

1. concerto of all your golden album that takes hours.. 🎤
2. breakfast and ofcourse a cup or two full of coffee.. ☕️🍝
3. and showering 🛁
4. and this and that
5. and those and these

but i dont know why today you just skip point number 1, and just take 2 and 3 before calling me again. and then you go to Kebab Stall with Lenka for your lunch 🌯🌮🥙

17:25 Pm – My Office

I just get down and say good bye to Charlotte, my deskmate, when your name pop up in my screen again. its just a wow cz today you take more active to looking for me as what i always wish.

i think we were in the “exchange habits disorder” or whatever is that🤔 but i love it.

we talk about many things high or deep.. long or wide.. near or far.. and mirage or exist.

then we just pause in a moment, no words, no talk, just breath.

“are you okay ?”

        “I’m not. i miss u.”

“i know….is that hurt ?”, i asking carefully

“its painful..”

&

oment where am just too far away and cant hugs her even just to make her calm. i totally know my princess need more than only words.

        “andrò ad ora a Termini, amore..” , you said.

“amor, amor..espera. Lo so che è così doloroso. e voi sapete ci sentiamo lo stesso, hmmm ? portiamo il dolore insieme, ricordi Amori ? e tu sei forte.. mi faresti un grande onore, per combattere il dolore con me ? solo per altre 14 ore, si ??”

     “si.” (click)

tuutt tuutt tuutt (call dropped in 01:12:17)

shoots !! i really hate this. i know that breath, i know that trembling voice, and that short answer. i know now you are crying in the car that bring u down to Termini Stations. i know that already. 

you are right princess, its so painful…

another TGV cried the horn loudly. not ur TGV. i walk to my bathroom. stand under the shower and rained it up to my head, down to my suit.

i even not yet take off my shoes. I just way back home by walk from my office.

i can make it fast with motobike, or just go home with Berto, my office friend that stay under my Appartement . but i just love to walk along Rue Jean Rey to Rue de Buenos Ayres while we talk in phone as always.

i dont know that a walk, that only can take another 5-10minutes for a tourist, for me will be like 30minute long. well i think my steps getting so hard to move with all this heavy memories inside my head.

sometimes i stopped in some spot and touch some part of flower or building or anything where your fingers was touched it, when we both walked around there together.

then i can really stop for another 5 minute when i just turn the left to Avenue de Suffren. i lay my back in the fence of the yard and just close my eyes. no i’m not tired, i just-

what you called it ?

calling supernatural power ?

hahah. nope. I just flashback.

like i saw you, saw us running out from Chez Ribe and crossing the road and stop point in where i am standing right now.

then i turn my water tap to cold. not warm anymore. as cold as the rain we had before.

i really miss that atmosphere.

stuck in the moment when we was kissing in the rain.

we really wet. but it was the hotest memory we got from this street, right ?

and i never know that the rain has cherry taste, til i was caught that from your lips.

J
r bl

t;😀👉🏻 https://admiralovaphobia.wordpress.com/2017/04/04/amor-es-esperanza-2/

Amor Es Esperanza #2

…. Without the moon and winking stars in it skies,

The Night will always be called The Night ….

3:23 Am – Avenue de Buenos Ayres

freaks !! i cant sleep.

well’aii.. really never know or learn how to sleep, i mean if we sleepy we just fall asleep, right ? or left ? or center ? whatever 😑

some people need some pills or maybe syringes too, just to make them closed their eyes.

i can get easy to fall asleep when i’m tired. and i’m not tired right now. and if the tired one is your soul, long sleep also will never get enough to go.

but i dont know why, God also dressed you with that amazing talent. i mean, to make me sleep easily. no, i mean, to make me easily fall asleep,, no no i mean,, to make me fall asleep with peace..

oh shoots,, 😬 am i just writing another words of R.I.P ??

no,, i mean i really can sleep well if you are around me.

yes !!! thats what i’m gonna tell.

yell 🤔

no, just tell.. 😑

asshhh. look.

i dont know how many mailbox you will received after you give on your phone later or when the signal just cum again.

i hope you will not getting anger also with the sounds of unstopped notifications from your messages in any applications we connected.

I’m worried.. why you can understand that ?!

why you like so happy to leave me in unknown directions of you ? 😠

yes.. I’m angry right now. 😡

I’m angry cz you didnt sent me any messages since you just dropped the call. 😞 I’m just worried..

Please !!

i get up and uphold my pillow to leaning.

awhh what is these,,i feel my nape touch something keen..

i try to rub my nape and search what was that on my pillow..

Godness. your earring.

we was….searching for it a month ago,,you dashed out in hurry to run for AZA 317 that brough you to Rome, and leave me here alone.

Are u wonder now why I’m not searching for that after you go ?

Exactly yes i did,,

but what was i found there only your smells, and this meshing bed nothing else more.

Yes i didnt clean up it. Disgusting isnt it ?

I – dont – way – carreeee.

I didnt want your smells gone.

Its 5:00 Am now, and i still cant sleep..

just look out the window its getting rain. Demmm !!

this feelings again.

I’m  turn my desk calendar,,oh may mayyyy… yes it was a month ago.

This day. Today.

i just can rub my face with my palms and exhale as big as i can.

thats nite.

after our Super in Chez Ribe.

we have no umbrella to home.

you refused Uber,, u said, getting in the rain with me would be more memorable than just kissing in the backseat of the car.

its just 300 meter to my block from Chez Ribe, but with you..

thats nite really was a huge stage for us.

the rain not cold enough to make us shiver,, the thunder wasnt hard enough to hide our whisper :

” I LOVEE YOUUU !!!” , you shout out loud with your face up to the sky.

With sometimes you smile wide like you let the rains down to your mouth and give you power to shouting like that.

“baby,,please,,what are you doing ? stop it..” , I’m wondering cz everybody just staring at us.

“JEEE T’AIIMMEEE !!”

you keep shouting out loud with a graceful face still look up to the sky.

Oh – my – God.

Now everyone in the Chez Ribe outside chair staring at us too.

I even know that taxi driver was stopped only for smile and gimme thumbs,, i just can reply him with wierd smile and hand wave say : merci.

Also that little girl in the front seat of the red car beside us, who seems asking someting to her mom about what you did, cz her little finger was pointing on you. And like i know her mom answering : you will understand that when you growing up and be a lady like her.

Akay i think enough for the attractions. I walked close to you cz you moving around like enjoying the rain as sounds of music for you to dance.

I hold and touch your cheeks.

“what are u doing..?”, i whispering carefully

“i wanna shout to the world. I wanna that Eiffel also know about what i feel. I want everybody know how happy i am now. I wanna -”

Am just put my finger verticaly on your lips to stop your words, but

You throw my finger and shout again

“why ? Am i do something evil ? Am i do something wrong ? Am i made you shame ? Am i -”

~ Blaarrrr ~ Now the thunder shut you up,, as you directly close your eyes and cover your ears with your hands..

….but my hands already there.

Then you open your eyes slowly..

I really love the way you did it..

Heavenly.. Just like in the morning when i always wait you to open it up..

I just can rubbing your cheeks with my thumbs..and bite my lower lips. And hugs you, hope you stop all thats words, but again, that wasnt good choice to shut you up.

“tell me ?? am i brave enough now to tell to the world how much i love you ?? am i still wrong if i can do more than you can do ??”, now you whispering thats words with your soft trembling voice, with your head in my shoulder.

“No you not !! you – totally – not !!”

i try to calm you but,

then you move out from my arms, and step backward.

“say it,, shout it,, tell to them that you only love me. let this world know. shout it now !!”

i just can pull you really tight back in my chest.

tighter than i ever did before.

and i know you can feels my body trembling. no i’m not cold. I really burn that nite. and i’m happy we was in the rain. so i didnt need to see your tears, or you see mine.

i still hugs you and just whispering on your ear : “Ich liebe dich.. Ich liebe dich so so sehr, Schatzi..”

“why..? why you just wishpering it to me ?”

“You.. you are my world.. my all.. i didnt need to shout it loud. you already know that by now.. and you will always know..” yes i cant see your tears. yes you also cant see mine.

but we both know, the rain tasted in our lips getting salty bcz of it. wiped that cherry taste from your sexy lips.

and we walked home like Avenue de Suffren just a chapell of wedding.

yes our chapell..

we walk in hands without flower in our heads but rain.

6:30 Am

i woke up and directly see my phone,, just some email from office friend and games and misscall from my mom. your name still absence.

i check your ticket again..
i still have kind of 3hours before you come..

hah ??!! what is this ??

shoots !!

not yet done with what i have looked on my pajamas pant, my bells rings me.

~ Ding Donng Diingg Doonng ~

      “Mr.Archer Mr.Archer , Bonjourrr ,, are you home ?”

omg,, why and why ? why – should – she – come – in the worst – time, demm!! i walk to my door and found a Parisian women just standing out of it.

“hoo-hoolla Madame Serena, hehe.. bonjour..”

      “ahhh there you are, how are u ? i come to bring your milk, this is still fresh and–heyy why you hiding like that in the door, do you have problem with it or–“

oh shootss shootss,,why she bangs my door open like this no no no–

      “have problems with, bonnerr..?”😯

“oh hehheehee i-i-am a-m you know what-the rain so cold haha and aii-just wake up late..” 😅

“aaaa you wake up so early then. I put it there so you can prepare your self before office..”

“hehehe sûr. Merci beaucoup”

“and dont forget to shake it..”  “sorry ? To sh-shake what ??”

“the milk.. It will get colder when you take it before you go..just shake it some..”

“heheh ofcourse i will.. I will put it in icebox to keep it fresh. Super merci madame,,good day for yah..”

She just shut the door and go.

Dankkk !! Thanks God she go.

Bonnie,,shake,,that winks. What she tried to sayyy.. 😤

Oh shootss,, no,,

its 7:01Am already. I’m gonna be late.

A Message From Heaven..

Perhaps you aren’t ready yet to have to say goodbye..

Perhaps you’ve thought of things you wish you’d say..

well, so have I..

For one thing, I’d have told you..

not too worry about me..

I’m with the Lord in Heaven now..

you knew that’s where I’d be..

I’m sorry that your are feeling sad.

for I’m so happy now..

I’ve asked the Lord to ease the hurt

and comfort you somehow.

it’s hard at the beginning..

but I know you will make it through.

I hope it helps to know,

you have to..

that I will waiting you here,

and I will always love you..

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN..

Those special memories of you..

Will always bring a smile.

If only I could have you back for just a little while..

Then we could sit and talk again just like we used to do.

You always meant so very much and always will do too..

The fact that you are not longer here will always cause me pain.

But you are in my heart until we meet again..

Sterben Für Dich.. (I Die For You..)

Arrish just woke up down the big palm tree, on the long chair of Promenade des Berges, along the left bank of Seine. Tequila smells from his mouth. he stare on his watch, 6:05 Am already. he still remember he was looked that same watch 4:12 Am before he fall asleep.

he get sit and just staring around with rubbing his face and his waves hair. he just standing up to go for some coffee then a Newspaper man just offer him some of his stuff :

“Journal, Monsieur ?”

he take Le Croix, his daily Newspaper.

“A motorcycle had crased into a building because of break failure. 2 victims being evacuated to American Hospital of Paris, but only one survived”

He just open his mouth with trembling and almost falling down after stare at the picture of that Newspaper headline. He took something from his pocket and give to that man and directly run to high road with glazed eyes.

that newspaper man looked so happy, he keep smiling with handling $50 from Arrish, thats newspaper supposed only $3, and he start saying : God bless you, Monseur..

he give bless to Arrish in his whisper.

_______________________

Arrish just cant hold his tears, even he tried to hold with squeezing his arms and bite his lip. his gasp still echoing through the taxi.

“Sir, are you okay ?”

he just inhale and answer the taxi driver with “ok” shape with his fingers. the driver can’t stop staring at him from rearview mirror, he worried and confused, if he just drove a crazy man that will just run after he drop him.

Arrish excatly know that the driver probably looked him with a wierd look. But he hell care at all. His head full of scary scene about what happened to somebody he loved. Suddently her voice echoing his head : 

music background :

https://www.smule.com/p/1149944277_1278762969

he reread again that news, and he wring that paper, he recognized that girl in the headline photo, even blood covering half of her face, he still recognizes well her lips, and necklace in her neck,

directly he remembered the nite when he put that stuff. he still can remember her hair fragrance as she tide it up..

“this A, stand for……..”

“…Arrish…” , that girl dirrectly complete his words. She turn around and looked at him. With linger her hands in his neck.

….his girlfriend, his love, his life. Now. suffering in the hospital.

Alone.

He take another $50 and give to the driver and run to hospital hall.

The driver saw in the price rate monitor, stare on Arrish back as he jump and crossing inside the hospital, then take his newspaper from the backseat, he read the headline and whispering : God bless you, Sir. And God bless her too..

_____________

“excuse me where I can found Laily Marras, the victim of  motobike accident last nite ?”

“Sorry Sir, what you relations with her ?”

“She is…. She is my fiancee !!”

The frontdesk nurse like didnt believe him awhile. Then he take something from his blazer.

“look, we going to marry this week, please i need to meet her”

He shows the nurse a wedding rings, with their name inside : Arrish & Laily. and show her his phone screen, their sweet picture while kissing – set there.

He never understand his trembling hand while showing that ring box caused by nervous for lying or he just extremly worried about her.

“she’s still in surgery room”

“surgg-what ??!! what exactly happened to my fiancée ??”

“she had injured head and heart failure after 3hours rescued, we have great doctors in charge right now, and we hope the miracle of God come upon your fiancée, Sir”

he just didn’t believe on what he just heard. he even cant feel right now one nurse hold his back cause he directly paralyzed and going backward almost fall down..

“a-aam allrrig-ghhtt just please let me know where is she now ?”

“Surgery studio there in the end of this hall, turn right..”

“thankyou so much”

he walk so slow.. like his feet didn’t want to move even just one step. he remember last nite he was so depressed in waiting her like crazy in the Seine. he gonna propose her under the moonlight, he wished. till midnite come, she never been there. then he remembered he was shouting to the sky or anything above, desperately : God pleaseeee !! i never ask anything in my life. i just want her. i don’t care how. i just want her !!!! i promise i will do anything what You want. please!!! i wanna her to be mine!!! please… (he cried a river in knees. suddenly a little rain just make him mesh completely)

Surgery studio door opened

“doctor ? how- how is my fiancée?”

“Ms.Laily…. with God permitions, the transplantation doing fine.. we should do it fast because your fiancées is pregnant , we should save both the babies and mother. I think,  you know about it, Mr — ?”

“Scott Parris . my fiancée…..pregnant,, is that 3month already ?”

“yes.. correct. 12 weeks of pregnancy. are you twins Mr.Scott ? Congratulation cz you will be father of twins”

“I…I ammm…whatt…?”

“may i see her now ?”

“not yet Mr.Scott, she will move to recovery room in 15 minute”

“Mr.Scott ?”

“yes ?”

“do you know Mr.Archer ?”

“yes. he is my fiancée ex. he always try to disrespect our relationship. look, (he shows again the ring box) am just about to marry with her this weekend, and he still dare to met my fiancée in secretly”

“He is died Mr.Scott and-“

“Stop it doctor, I didn’t want to hear anything about him alright, am fully thanks to all your team for doing the best for her,,i will move her as soon as possible from this hospital”

“you can do that after her endoscopic exam. your fiancée got edema, it will give her short or long terms of memory lost.”

“what ??? what did you say??”

“your fiancée probably got amnesia”

“Doctor Marthin, we need you over here..”

“alright Mr.Scott I hope she can recover very soon”

___________________

Arrish, Laily, Archer..

they never understand how God plan works. how His way should take all the dreams or give dreams to another people.

Arrish just can standing up with head full of something he didn’t understand at all. he scratch his hair :

…archer died…

…laily pregnant…

…laily will have amnesia…

shootttsss!!! what should i do right now !!!

then a bed just going out from studio, a died body, cz it covered full with white blanket. he knows thats not Laily.

and the second bed going out, Laily there. with bandages around her head.

“Laily….sweetheart….”

she still unconscious. he walk along her side, holding her left hand.

that bed turn the right to room 1305, her recovery room.

while the first bed turn the left, straight to mortuary.

and suddenly that backsound like surrounding that hospital, echoing whole the hall : 

https://www.smule.com/p/1149944277_1278762969

Paris skies full of grey clouds roll..

Raindrops just about to fall..